Cats love us in the same way I love cute pastries: this kind of affection doesn’t always end well for the cake.

We insist on keeping them around, though, and if we ever understand the thoughts that run through their furry little heads, we may end up understanding the meaning of life itself.

Now, thank goodness, we have a compendium of what they’re really trying to convey with all those purrs, meows, hisses and shrieks.

The main message they want to share with us, it seems, is that they recognize our value when it comes to things like using can openers. We need to step up our game, though…or else.

These poems are accompanied by numerous pictures of cute felines and organized into the categories of Family, Work, Play (which seems a lot cattier than the previous topic) and Existence.

We won’t reproduce any of the poems inside out of respect for the author, but here are three cat haikus of my own to whet your appetite:

Shiny vase on table,
Wonder if it wants to play?
Wow! That thing shattered.

Stinky, ugly dog!
Avoid him nearly always.
Will cuddle now and then.

Dear, it’s not a gift:
I detest turkey flavor
Dead mice are warnings.