There are times in any workplace when you really need to tell someone to hippety hoppity the happity hell away from your desk. You cannot actually say this in most cases, though, and not just because it’s a tongue-twister.
Blame the Sound Button
This button neatly solves the problem: if a robot swears at your colleague because you slapped it, obviously, the mechanical device is at fault and you can’t be fired for whatever escaped its cold metal lips.
There’s no need to load it only with swear words, though: you can store up to 100 audio clips of your choice (though only 8MB in total, giving you about 4 minutes to work with). These are loaded by plugging it into your computer or tablet. In addition, you also get access to an online sound library (which, curiously, seems to be a fan of Donald Trump) with dozens of pre-recorded sounds.
When you hit the large red button, one of these is played at a satisfyingly loud volume. The problem is that it’s difficult to tell which one is up next: will it be a demonic shriek of despair? A fart sound? Rick Astley’s greatest and only hit? The worst knock-knock joke ever told, or the world’s smallest violin playing a dirge? It’s like a less bloody version of Russian roulette, which only adds to the fun.
If you like, you can also just leave it in a public place.
It’s common sense not to tap a red button with “PUSH” written on it, but someone inevitably will. Whether you want this to result in a compliment or public embarrassment for them is up to you.
Really, the possibilities are limited only by the breath of your imagination. The only real drawback is that the manufacturer doesn’t offer custom-printed buttons at this time.
I would certainly like to have a panic button that’s actually labeled “PANEEEK!”, or a “Ring for service” knob that tells potential customers that I am in no way planning to service them. This kind of thing can only make the world a better place.